


cutting wires, chasing fires

by aruzeii



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Bottom Han Jisung | Han, Dacryphilia, Established Relationship, Hurt No Comfort, I feel really bad for Jisung, M/M, Top Kim Seungmin, basically seungmin getting off to jisung crying, oh yeah Chan made an appearance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:41:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29405682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aruzeii/pseuds/aruzeii
Summary: Kim Seungmin is tired of living in auto-pilot. He would sacrifice anything in order to feel something spark in him, and he would sacrifice someone else for it. Even if it's his own lover.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 62





	cutting wires, chasing fires

**Author's Note:**

> Please read through the tags, because this is just a sad fic that revolves around a hurting Jisung and a remorse-lacking Seungmin. And happy Valentine's Day!

Kim Seungmin had lived his whole life complying to rules and regulations. Programming himself to act how he’s supposed to, to think how he’s supposed to, to feel how he’s supposed to. It’s like an auto-pilot, and it didn’t take him long until he lost his own sense of self. 

Living like that was nothing but agonizing. 

Kim Seungmin was dying for a change, dying for a little fire to spark something in his stupid cramped chest. Something to make him enjoy living again. He was dying just to feel a little excitement. 

He was, metaphorically, and probably literally, dying. 

“Seungmin, are you listening?” 

And that’s his boyfriend. 

Seungmin always cursed himself for thinking that getting himself a lover would get him out of his monochromic, monotonic days. Seungmin imprecated himself every day for convincing himself that he loved Jisung, as much as his boyfriend did. When in fact, he couldn’t even feel anything. 

“Yes, Jisung, I heard you.” Seungmin scratched his ear in hope it recorded anything Jisung had said. 

“Valentine’s dinner, right? Have you got the reservations?” 

Cursing himself for forcing himself to stay with Jisung. Cursing himself for lying to Jisung. Cursing himself for being unable to give _at least_ half of Jisung’s feelings back, cursing himself for being him. 

“So you weren’t listening after all,” Jisung pouted and crawled closer to Seungmin, cradling his chin. 

“They’re all packed for Valentine’s. We’ll have to find another place.” 

Seungmin grabbed Jisung’s fingers gently and planted them on his cheek. He wished he could feel the warmth blossoming in his chest, some kind of feeling that he was supposed to be enjoying with his boyfriend. Was he really _this_ numb? 

“I’ll leave it all to you, then.” Seungmin smiled and glued his lips to Jisung’s knuckles, because that’s what lovers would do. 

“Geez, can’t you put any effort in this relationship for just once?” Jisung complained, but giggled anyways, leaning closer to Seungmin.

Eventually Seungmin’s knuckle-kisses turned into exchanged drools and make-outs. Whatever pleased Jisung.
    
    
      
    
    * * *
    
    
    

Soft melodies of piano lulled the couple as they dove into their hefty, fancy dinner. The sun was already setting when they got there, the city slowly lighting up into vibrant glamor as the night deepened. Both of them were on top of the world, but Seungmin felt like he was six feet underground. Seungmin let the evening breeze caress his face, he observed Jisung before him. 

“Doesn’t it look beautiful up here, Jisung?” Seungmin asked, because that’s what he’s supposed to do. He smiled, because that’s what he had trained his lips to do. 

Jisung grinned wide in response, crooked teeth peeking. If Seungmin was in love, he’d probably adore every inch of his boyfriend. All he felt was indifference.

“Very, very beautiful, Seungmin. Thank you, baby.” 

“No need to thank me, Jisung. I do it because I love you, but you know that, right?” 

In the end, Seungmin managed to book a table at a rooftop fine dining restaurant. The reservation left a dent in his bank account, but it’s okay. That’s what lovers do, after all. He just wished he could feel the happiness Jisung radiated. 

Seungmin bought Jisung a large bouquet of baby breath daisies and a vintage watch. Jisung bought him a giant box of chocolate and a leather wallet. Bourgeois, but he guessed that’s what they’re supposed to do. It’s Valentine’s after all. 

He heard Jisung blabbering in the background, light chattering and munching.

Seungmin wished he could feel the tiniest bit of excitement from dining in a fancy expensive restaurant with his _lover_. He hated how the joy he felt from having a date with Jisung was the same joy he felt from eating the lamb chop in front of him. 

Oh, he would sacrifice everything in order to feel something and get out of his plain, monotonous brain. 

“Sorry for the delay, Sir. Here are your desserts.” 

The light crisp voice snapped Seungmin out of his self-pitying loophole. He snapped his head upward and faced the waiter. 

Finely built, finely dressed. Fluffy blond strands and pretty lips. Smooth pale skin and firm arms, barely hidden by his long white sleeves. Seungmin observed the toned curves of the waiter while putting down plates of dessert, how his back muscles contracted under the fabric of his waiter uniform. _Ooooh_. 

“Wow,” Seungmin breathed, unapologetically. 

How he’d ruin things in order to feel just something. 

He stretched his arm toward the waiter’s white sleeve, earning a flinch from the other man. “Aren’t you just breathtaking.” 

“Oh,” the waiter stuttered under his breath. He murmured a “thank you”, even though his tone made it sound more like a question. 

“What’s your name?” Seungmin tried again. He chased the waiter’s avoiding eyes, trying to make the unfamiliar orbs look at him. He ignored the piercing eyes of Jisung on the opposite side of their table. Maybe this would light something up in him. 

“Chan… Bang Chan.” 

“That’s a really adorable name,” Seungmin praised, fingers lightly pressing on the waiter’s arm. “You got a girfriendl? Or a boyfriend?”

“No, Sir,” the waiter averted his eyes from Seungmin again. Such an adorable manner from such a big man.

“ _Baby_ , stop,” Jisung whispered.

“How unfortunate,” Seungmin clicked his tongue, taking off his hand from the waiter’s arm. “If _I_ didn’t have a boyfriend, I’d take you home with me, Bang Chan.” 

The air felt tense around them when he said that. From the corner of his vision, Seungmin could see how red Jisung was, and how uncomfortable the waiter was. But Seungmin wasn’t sure of how he’s supposed to feel nor what he’s supposed to say at the point, so he flapped his hand at the waiter. Jisung scratched his fork on his plate. 

“Well then, off you go, Mister Bang Chan. I have a boyfriend to please.” 

He guessed he’d been dead for far too long. He couldn’t even feel anything.
    
    
      
    
    * * *
    
    
    

“Why did you do that?” Jisung asked, voice so low Seungmin could mistake it as a murmur to himself. 

Seungmin kept his eyes on the road, hand firm on the steering wheel. “Dunno, just felt like it.”

Jisung sounded pissed. “I don’t like that, Seungmin.” 

So Seungmin took Jisung’s hand, because that’s what he’s supposed to do when Jisung’s upset. He kissed Jisung’s knuckles and fingers long because that’s what he's supposed to do. “Got it, Jisung. I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.” 

And he added, because he’s supposed to, “I only love you, but you know that, right?” 

“I do, and I love you too.” 

And Seungmin put himself back in auto-pilot and drove through the night.
    
    
      
    
    * * *
    
    
    

The problems were supposed to be solved by the time they got home. Seungmin had no idea why Jisung thrashed his belongings and ran to the bedroom with thrashed steps and audible sobbing. 

“Jisung?” Seungmin traced Jisung’s steps and peeked from the slightly ajar door. He could see his boyfriend snuggling on the bed and sobbing. “What’s wrong?” 

He’d never seen Jisung cry before. That was new. He didn’t know what he’s supposed to do. Seungmin stepped inside the room and walked toward the bed, but Jisung flinched when Seungmin stretched his arms to hug him. That was new. He wasn’t sure what he’s supposed to say nor to do. 

“How could you flirt with that waiter like that, in front of me? Do you know how ashamed I was sitting there, how worthless I felt, Seungmin?” Jisung shot, face sinking on his knee. “And on Valentine’s too…”

Seungmin recalled. “Ah, that pretty waiter?” 

“How heartless could you be, Seungmin?” Jisung lifted his face and looked at Seungmin. 

It struck Seungmin, flipped the switch he didn’t know existed within him. He wondered if it’s the words or the tears on Jisung’s face. On instinct, he flicked his thumb under Jisung’s teary eye. He brought the thumb to his mouth and tasted it. Seungmin wasn’t sure, but he felt like that’s how disappointment looked and tasted like. He didn’t expect it to be that arousing.

“Seungmin, what the fuck?” Jisung hissed, but along with the sob, his voice was bordered with disgust. 

“Oh, Jisung…” 

Seungmin observed Jisung’s reddened face. The glistening tear down his cheek, the half-swollen eyes, the sticking hair on his forehead. The vulnerability, the disappointment, the sadness. 

If Seungmin wasn’t so desperate to feel something, he would’ve comforted his boyfriend, doing anything to stop his tears from streaming down his pretty little face. 

But Jisung looked so beautiful, broken like that. 

Seungmin wanted to see more of it. Seungmin needed to see more of it, because he finally felt something burning in his chest. Something hot in his pants. 

“You look so beautiful like this, Jisung,” Seungmin said, hand subconsciously sliding between his legs. 

Jisung bit his lips and another tear fell down. “I cannot understand you, Seungmin…”

His eyes shone like a diamond, his face ruby red, and Jisung was just the prettiest gem crying. He finally _felt_ something sparked in his chest.

Seungmin couldn’t help but collided their lips together. He needed to feel more of it. Jisung felt hot around his mouth, drool coming down with Seungmin’s. The stuttered moans against him felt like nothing but heaven. Seungmin used his other hand to pull out his erection and stroked it slowly. The faint, barely audible sob made his dick twitch every time.

Desperately, Seungmin bit down Jisung’s bottom lip hard until he tasted the blood and heard Jisung’s groan of pain. He pulled away and enjoyed the sighting presented before him.

“Gosh, you look unbelievably beautiful like this,” Seungmin praised and continued working on his cock, eyes fluttering. Jisung hiccuped on his cry. 

Seungmin had never felt more alive right then. 

“I never knew your pain would be the answer to my colorless life, Jisung. I never knew your tears would be my way out of this fucking agony and lifelessness,” Seungmin recited. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
    
    
      
    
    * * *
    
    
    

Jisung only complied in his silent cry when Seungmin started undressing him, working him open with his lubed fingers. He didn’t even once fly a complaint nor did he ask Seungmin to stop. Didn’t flinch when Seungmin rolled the condom on his dick, didn’t scream when Seungmin entered him. 

Jisung’s arm was hiding his ruined face, and Seungmin was only exposed to so much of his beautiful wreck. They’ve been dating for probably more than a year, and they’ve had countless sex ever since. Nothing was new anymore, nothing was thrilling enough for Seungmin, because sex wasn’t interesting when you’re numb to the bone. 

Until that night, when things changed and the monochromatic colors started revealing colors for Seungmin.

He just needed to see more of Jisung’s fragility, to cause more of it and push it to the edge, in order to feel something. If Jisung was a ceramic vase, all Seungmin needed to do was to push him off the rooftop balcony for fun. Seungmin just knew what to do then. 

He moved Jisung’s legs on his shoulder and lifted his hips, practically supporting his weight as he started pounding into him. It’d be better this way, for him. Jisung’s breath hitched and he moaned shakily. Seungmin could see the teardrops. 

“You know, Jisung, I’ve never really loved you.”

Jisung sobbed, a crying mess. It thrilled Seungmin again, it made his pace even faster and rougher.

“Then why did you tell me you loved me?” Jisung screamed, tears and snot all over his face. 

There’s something in the way Jisung’s lips quivered, something in the way his chest struggled to control his breaths. Something in the way his voice was choked with broken sobs. 

“It’s so easy for me to lie, Jisung,” Seungmin thrusted again, feeling Jisung clenching down on him. That time, he had no reason to lie. He was living. God, did it feel _good_ to be alive. 

“Do you know how beautiful you look right now, Jisung? I’d fuck you all night if I could, make a mess out of your sad, sad face,” Seungmin smiled. 

Jisung cried harder. At least, that time Seungmin was genuine. 

Seungmin sighed. “If I loved you, I would tell you to not cry.”

“Sadly for you, I only love your tears and vulnerability, Jisung.” 

“Stop, please just stop talking, Seungmin…” 

Jisung’s pleads and sobs were nothing but a fuel for Seungmin to fuck him up, deeper and harder. “Maybe I’d bring that pretty waiter here and fuck him in front of you, that would be exciting for me.” 

“You’re so fucking cruel, so fucking cruel, so cruel.” The words that fled from Jisung’s shaking lips were repeated like a curse, nothing less than undisputed anathema. 

“I am, I am. That’s why I’m doing this, Jisung,” Seungmin avowed. 

“That’s why I’m using you to relieve myself, that’s why I stroked my cock to your frustration and disappointment,” Seungmin focused back on the snapping rhythm of his hips. 

“But don’t you realize that your hole just gets tighter on each of your cries? Maybe you’re enjoying this more than me, Jisung,” Seungmin accused. He wrapped his hand around Jisung’s neglected cock, working him with fast and short strokes. 

“Stop, please,” Jisung pleaded as he sunk his fingers on his own face, continued hiding his sweaty, teary eyes. “I can’t, Seungmin.” 

“You can cum, baby,” Seungmin kissed the side of Jisung’s knee, his own pace starting to falter and getting shallower. It was the first time for Seungmin to call Jisung with pet names. 

Jisung’s back arched as he came onto Seungmin’s fingers, he choked on his own breath trying to muffle his moan. Seungmin released himself deep inside Jisung into the condom, biting into his boyfriend’s thigh as he orgasmed. 

But when he pulled out and took the condom off his limp dick, Seungmin wondered if Jisung would still be his boyfriend. 

“Hey,” Seungmin touched Jisung’s bare shoulder. Jisung was sweaty and nude as hell, back facing him. “Are you mad?”

Jisung drowned his face with a pillow and Seungmin could hear his muffled scream. 

It took a couple more howls until Jisung answered him with his hoarse sobs. “I don’t know anything anymore, Seungmin. You’re a fucking sociopath.” 

Seungmin cursed himself for lacking remorse. Cursed himself for not feeling guilty even then. Cursed himself for thinking that he deserved a lover in the first place. 

“Do you want to end this, then?” Seungmin asked. “Guess that would be the best option.” 

Jisung curled into himself, still refusing to look at Seungmin. 

“I swear to God, Seungmin, please stop talking and just leave.” 

Seungmin guessed that would be the best option for them, after all. 

“I’m so sorry, Jisung,” He said, not because he knew he’s supposed to, but because he felt like he needed to. “Happy Valentine’s, I guess.”

At least he felt something else for the first time, when he left Jisung. When he said his goodbye and another trail of apology, when he wore his shoes and left the building. When he walked alone through the empty road of Valentine’s evening. 

Remorse, at last. But it was too little for him to hurt. 

He went back into auto-pilot, strolling through the freezing night.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry... (nah, not really.) 
> 
> (Actually... yes, sorry for how bad this is lol.)
> 
> Here's my [Twitter](https://twitter.com/CHR1STl4N), and for complains, here's my [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.qa/SAINTJ1N). Kudos and comments are always appreciated! <3


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